My Old Kentucky Blog Comes Down from the Mountain

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Over the last month or two, My Old Kentucky Blog has been putting together a series of posts that I’ve been all about, waiting with baited breath for the next. The entire piece of work is called The Ten Commandments Guidelines of Concert Behavior — I guess they opted out of the overt religious reference but not the colonel photo shopped onto Charelton Heston’s face. Maybe I’m getting a little old, but a lot of these ring true for me and constantly piss me off at shows. Just think of the last time you were at a show and someone would not stop shouting, “Play this!” or “Play that!” and you’ll be primed for concurrence. So without further adieu here are the Ten Commandments Guidelines of Concert Behavior:

Number I: Thou Shall Not Puke
Number II: Thou Shall Not Fart
Number III: Thou Shall Not Smoke
Number IV: Thou Shall Not Take Crappy Pictures With Your Phone
Number V: Thou Shall Show Up On Time
Number VI: Thou Shall Not Request Songs
Number VII: Thou Shall Respect the Personal Space of Others
Number VIII: Thou Shall Not Sing Along
Number IX: Thou Shall Not Talk                                                                                              

Number X: Thou Shall Not Act a Fool

So there they are in all of their glory. Some may seem obvious and some a bit Draconian, but if you follow the link it’ll bring to the snide explanation behind each guideline. I personally am a big fan of numbers six through eight and I think Justin may need to take a look at number four — kidding. Thoughts from the LMB crowd, are these appropriate? Are you planning on breaking all ten down in Hampton? Are they missing anything?

  • Aymack

    Sorry to dissapoint, but Buddyhead.com Mastered this list back in 2004. To this day, it is still the list by which all other such lists are judged by:

    BUDDYHEAD’S RULES OF AUDIENCE ROCK

    1) Don’t sing if you aren’t one of the dudes on stage getting paid to do it. Nobody paid their hard-earned money to hear your dorky, untalented butt sing. We came to hear the dudes on stage sing. Paying 40 bucks to go see Tool, but instead of hearing Maynard, you get the dorkus malorkus standing next to you singing “Sober” really loudly and out of key. Enough.

    2) Also, if the singer on stage does decide to either: pass the mic around for the “sing along” song, or: motion to the audience to sing aloud at key moments, and you know beforehand that your singing ability is severely limited, you MUST waive your “sing along” rights. Leave the crowd participation parts to those that do not fall under the “musically retarded” category.

    3) This is possibly the oldest rule in the book… yeah, you know what we’re talking about… don’t be THAT guy. We KNOW you like the band, that’s why you’re here, you don’t need to wear their SHIRT to their show as well.

    4) Also, no wearing shirts of ex-bands either. That means no Nirvana shirts at the Foo Fighters show, no Jawbreaker shirts at the Jets to Brazil show, no Minor Threat shirts at the Fugazi show etc.

    5) The “merch guy” is not your friend. In fact, all the merch guy wants to do is get through the night without having to talk to you. That means that he doesn’t want a copy of your emo band’s demo to pass along to the band.

    6) Dancing is ok, as long as you don’t get all fruity. Air-instruments are NOT ok. That includes: air-guitar, air-drums, air-microphone, air-keyboards, and yes even the air-bass. Don’t get me started on air-saxophone.

    7) If you yell out “Play some Skynyrd”, you deserve an immediate ass-whoopin’. This isn’t funny unless your name is either Beavis or Butthead.

    8) Don’t be the buff steakhead dudes in the Jeep blasting Radiohead as you leave (or enter) the parking lot of the Radiohead show. WE KNOW YOU LIKE THE BAND! THAT’S WHY YOU ARE AT THE SHOW CHAMP! HOW MUCH OF ONE BAND DO YOU REALLY NEED?! Actually just don’t be the four buff guys in the Jeep at the show… period. This rule applies to everybody. You don’t need to listen to the band you’re going to see on the way to seeing them.

    9) Tall dudes that stand at the front of the stage should have their eyes pureed.

    10) Don’t yell songs at the band, especially if it’s not a super rare song or something. Yelling “ENTER SANDMAN” at the Metallica is not necessary. NO KIDDING THEY’RE GONNA PLAY ENTER SANDMAN DUDE. Calm down, they’ll get to it in the 3rd encore. Heckling is ok.

    11) Anybody who utters the word MOSH PIT deserves to die.

    12) Don’t take off your shirt. We know you’re sweaty dude, taking off your wife beater isn’t going to stop that.

    13) Don’t buy those shirts in the parking lot from the dude who looks homeless… unless your idea of a good fitting shirt is about 1 foot long and 3 feet wide.

    14) No making out at shows. Get a room. Unless of course it’s a Shat show, then it’s ok.

    15) Don’t be that guy who sells your zine at shows. We don’t want to hear about your boring life, let alone have to pay money to hear about it.

    16) No crying.

    17) When there’s a brand new band that a lot of people seem real excited about that features ex members of other cool bands or something, and they don’t have any releases out yet, just a demo, or a couple mp3’s on their website or something, don’t be the jackass at the front of the stage singing all the words. Yeah, yeah, we know you’re the geeky super fan who likes these guys way more than everybody else. Just stop it cos you’re making everybody want to vomit with your over apparent super fan enthusiasm.

    18) “Moshers” who lose shoes, keys, wallets, etc. and then stop their kung fu fighting to try and look for those objects, then get clobbered and fall to the ground…… no wait, keep doing that, it’s funny.

    19) Sometimes when your favorite band is playing their big hit as their last song, you think it’s a good idea and really cool to jump up on the stage and dance with the band. You and about 50 other die-hard geeks. Well… we know you’re real enthusiastic about the whole thing, but get your porky and dorky ass off the stage. The band doesn’t want you up there that close to their equipment. Get off the stage fruitcake.

    20) If you go up and begin conversation with the band while they’re loading equipment out at the end of the night and you don’t at least offer to help, you deserve to be smacked upside the head. The band wants to get their stuff in the van and get the hec out of your corn & wheat truckstop town, and you’re not helping matters.

    21) Street team people passing out the latest Mudvayne cassette sampler in front of the show should be crucified. Yeah, give me a tape dude. I want a freakin’ Mudvayne tape.

  • Aymack

    Sorry to dissapoint, but Buddyhead.com Mastered this list back in 2004. To this day, it is still the list by which all other such lists are judged by:

    BUDDYHEAD’S RULES OF AUDIENCE ROCK

    1) Don’t sing if you aren’t one of the dudes on stage getting paid to do it. Nobody paid their hard-earned money to hear your dorky, untalented butt sing. We came to hear the dudes on stage sing. Paying 40 bucks to go see Tool, but instead of hearing Maynard, you get the dorkus malorkus standing next to you singing “Sober” really loudly and out of key. Enough.

    2) Also, if the singer on stage does decide to either: pass the mic around for the “sing along” song, or: motion to the audience to sing aloud at key moments, and you know beforehand that your singing ability is severely limited, you MUST waive your “sing along” rights. Leave the crowd participation parts to those that do not fall under the “musically retarded” category.

    3) This is possibly the oldest rule in the book… yeah, you know what we’re talking about… don’t be THAT guy. We KNOW you like the band, that’s why you’re here, you don’t need to wear their SHIRT to their show as well.

    4) Also, no wearing shirts of ex-bands either. That means no Nirvana shirts at the Foo Fighters show, no Jawbreaker shirts at the Jets to Brazil show, no Minor Threat shirts at the Fugazi show etc.

    5) The “merch guy” is not your friend. In fact, all the merch guy wants to do is get through the night without having to talk to you. That means that he doesn’t want a copy of your emo band’s demo to pass along to the band.

    6) Dancing is ok, as long as you don’t get all fruity. Air-instruments are NOT ok. That includes: air-guitar, air-drums, air-microphone, air-keyboards, and yes even the air-bass. Don’t get me started on air-saxophone.

    7) If you yell out “Play some Skynyrd”, you deserve an immediate ass-whoopin’. This isn’t funny unless your name is either Beavis or Butthead.

    8) Don’t be the buff steakhead dudes in the Jeep blasting Radiohead as you leave (or enter) the parking lot of the Radiohead show. WE KNOW YOU LIKE THE BAND! THAT’S WHY YOU ARE AT THE SHOW CHAMP! HOW MUCH OF ONE BAND DO YOU REALLY NEED?! Actually just don’t be the four buff guys in the Jeep at the show… period. This rule applies to everybody. You don’t need to listen to the band you’re going to see on the way to seeing them.

    9) Tall dudes that stand at the front of the stage should have their eyes pureed.

    10) Don’t yell songs at the band, especially if it’s not a super rare song or something. Yelling “ENTER SANDMAN” at the Metallica is not necessary. NO KIDDING THEY’RE GONNA PLAY ENTER SANDMAN DUDE. Calm down, they’ll get to it in the 3rd encore. Heckling is ok.

    11) Anybody who utters the word MOSH PIT deserves to die.

    12) Don’t take off your shirt. We know you’re sweaty dude, taking off your wife beater isn’t going to stop that.

    13) Don’t buy those shirts in the parking lot from the dude who looks homeless… unless your idea of a good fitting shirt is about 1 foot long and 3 feet wide.

    14) No making out at shows. Get a room. Unless of course it’s a Shat show, then it’s ok.

    15) Don’t be that guy who sells your zine at shows. We don’t want to hear about your boring life, let alone have to pay money to hear about it.

    16) No crying.

    17) When there’s a brand new band that a lot of people seem real excited about that features ex members of other cool bands or something, and they don’t have any releases out yet, just a demo, or a couple mp3’s on their website or something, don’t be the jackass at the front of the stage singing all the words. Yeah, yeah, we know you’re the geeky super fan who likes these guys way more than everybody else. Just stop it cos you’re making everybody want to vomit with your over apparent super fan enthusiasm.

    18) “Moshers” who lose shoes, keys, wallets, etc. and then stop their kung fu fighting to try and look for those objects, then get clobbered and fall to the ground…… no wait, keep doing that, it’s funny.

    19) Sometimes when your favorite band is playing their big hit as their last song, you think it’s a good idea and really cool to jump up on the stage and dance with the band. You and about 50 other die-hard geeks. Well… we know you’re real enthusiastic about the whole thing, but get your porky and dorky ass off the stage. The band doesn’t want you up there that close to their equipment. Get off the stage fruitcake.

    20) If you go up and begin conversation with the band while they’re loading equipment out at the end of the night and you don’t at least offer to help, you deserve to be smacked upside the head. The band wants to get their stuff in the van and get the hec out of your corn & wheat truckstop town, and you’re not helping matters.

    21) Street team people passing out the latest Mudvayne cassette sampler in front of the show should be crucified. Yeah, give me a tape dude. I want a freakin’ Mudvayne tape.

  • http://handfulofbrains.blogspot.com/ Tony J

    They forgot: If you want to sit down, don’t yell at everyone in front of you to sit down. If the majority of the crowd is standing and your legs are tired, by all means take a seat. But don’t think that the 10 rows in front of you are going to sit down for your sorry ass. Sit down, drink your little drink, watch the video screens and shut the f up. Its a rock and roll show. Get used to it.

  • http://handfulofbrains.blogspot.com/ Tony J

    They forgot: If you want to sit down, don’t yell at everyone in front of you to sit down. If the majority of the crowd is standing and your legs are tired, by all means take a seat. But don’t think that the 10 rows in front of you are going to sit down for your sorry ass. Sit down, drink your little drink, watch the video screens and shut the f up. Its a rock and roll show. Get used to it.

  • http://www.burningoak.com Kane

    I agree with most of these, though I haven’t had to deal with puke as much as I’ve had to deal with douchebags who think it’s ok to dance with a pint glass. That’s what f*cking bottle are for. That, and I’d prefer my shirt doesn’t smell like High Life while I drive home past cops.

    The guidelines regarding Talking, Smoking Cigarettes, Taking Crappy Cell Phone Pictures, and Singing Along are the worst offenders in my opinion, though I’d be a liar if I said I’d never pulled out a crappy cell phone or sang along to a song I only knew the chorus to…

  • http://www.burningoak.com Kane

    I agree with most of these, though I haven’t had to deal with puke as much as I’ve had to deal with douchebags who think it’s ok to dance with a pint glass. That’s what f*cking bottle are for. That, and I’d prefer my shirt doesn’t smell like High Life while I drive home past cops.

    The guidelines regarding Talking, Smoking Cigarettes, Taking Crappy Cell Phone Pictures, and Singing Along are the worst offenders in my opinion, though I’d be a liar if I said I’d never pulled out a crappy cell phone or sang along to a song I only knew the chorus to…

  • http://www.ConcertPosterArt.com Jacob Grossi

    i don’t know fellas, i used to think it was all about the music, but it’s not…it’s also about the scene, if you’re at a skynyrd show and you’re not spilling beer and screaming for freebird, you’re missing the fun. relax let others do as they will, most shows you can always move.

    Jacob
    http://www.ConcertPosterArt.com
    “Over 4000 Original Concert Posters, Flyers and Vintage Ads”

  • http://www.ConcertPosterArt.com Jacob Grossi

    i don’t know fellas, i used to think it was all about the music, but it’s not…it’s also about the scene, if you’re at a skynyrd show and you’re not spilling beer and screaming for freebird, you’re missing the fun. relax let others do as they will, most shows you can always move.

    Jacob
    http://www.ConcertPosterArt.com
    “Over 4000 Original Concert Posters, Flyers and Vintage Ads”

  • http://screensnspokes.etsy.com sam

    These are all very good, especially the persona space… but sometimes you just can’t help but sing along… I do apologize anyone that stands by me at an MMJ show.

    But hey, at least i’m not spilling my beer on you.

  • http://screensnspokes.etsy.com sam

    These are all very good, especially the persona space… but sometimes you just can’t help but sing along… I do apologize anyone that stands by me at an MMJ show.

    But hey, at least i’m not spilling my beer on you.

  • nbflowers

    The singing is OK when everybody is doing it…

    But Tony J hit the nail on the head. The most annoying this is the people yelling for other people to sit down.

    Also, the thou shall not talk. One of my worst concert experiences was seeing Dire Straits like 15 years ago and the people behind us would not shut up. If you wanted to talk, you could have put the freakin CDs on at home instead of paying the whatever the price was for the ticket.

  • nbflowers

    The singing is OK when everybody is doing it…

    But Tony J hit the nail on the head. The most annoying this is the people yelling for other people to sit down.

    Also, the thou shall not talk. One of my worst concert experiences was seeing Dire Straits like 15 years ago and the people behind us would not shut up. If you wanted to talk, you could have put the freakin CDs on at home instead of paying the whatever the price was for the ticket.

  • http://www.burningoak.com Kane

    “…if you’re at a skynyrd show and you’re not spilling beer and screaming for freebird, you’re missing the fun.”

    Fair enough, but I haven’t been to the Illinois State Fair in years…

    ;o) Just kidding, but seriously, leave the spilled beers and Freebird calls (especially the damn Freebird calls) at the Skynyrd show.

  • http://www.burningoak.com Kane

    “…if you’re at a skynyrd show and you’re not spilling beer and screaming for freebird, you’re missing the fun.”

    Fair enough, but I haven’t been to the Illinois State Fair in years…

    ;o) Just kidding, but seriously, leave the spilled beers and Freebird calls (especially the damn Freebird calls) at the Skynyrd show.

  • di

    They forgot: “Don’t let your girlfriend sit on top of your shoulders and block everyone elses view.”

  • di

    They forgot: “Don’t let your girlfriend sit on top of your shoulders and block everyone elses view.”

  • http://concertaholics.com Jeff | Concertaholics

    I was at a show 6 years ago seeing an old 80’s band try and come back and this show had a ton-of-drunks.

    We were about 5 of us and in the 10th row. The next row up was elevated with a rail. We were wearing shorts and figured that was beer splashing on our legs as we “baked” in the encore… since some dude earlier spilt beer on our shoulders…well we were in the zone and didn’t care too much… until we realized now he was pissing straight down behind our seats and miss-aiming onto my buddies calves. It got a big ugly in the end and we left as my friend wanted to get home for a shower.

  • http://concertaholics.com Jeff | Concertaholics

    I was at a show 6 years ago seeing an old 80’s band try and come back and this show had a ton-of-drunks.

    We were about 5 of us and in the 10th row. The next row up was elevated with a rail. We were wearing shorts and figured that was beer splashing on our legs as we “baked” in the encore… since some dude earlier spilt beer on our shoulders…well we were in the zone and didn’t care too much… until we realized now he was pissing straight down behind our seats and miss-aiming onto my buddies calves. It got a big ugly in the end and we left as my friend wanted to get home for a shower.